I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
