An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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