dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
