I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
