Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
