I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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