what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
