At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
