separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
