I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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