My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
