She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
