if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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