he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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