you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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