We're facebook friends in real life
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
