i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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