i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
