I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
