I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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