Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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