someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
