Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
