There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
