Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
