I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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