Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Four minutes until I can fart!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
