I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
