Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
