I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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