Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
