my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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