it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
