i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
