So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
