LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
