He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
