you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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