Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
