i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
