The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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