Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
