I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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