my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
