Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
