im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
