apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
