There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
