you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Randomize
