a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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