There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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