You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
