I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
